The Big Girl Table...

Last nite I walked and walked and walked...I had a lot on my mind so when I left work I just started walking north and decided when I got sick of walking I would hop on the 4 train and head on home...

As I walked the some odd 29 street blocks and 5 or so avenue blocks...I had a lot of time to think. I think, actually I know I was talking to myself. People probably laughed at me and pointed and said look at the crazy girl talking to herself.

A lot of self-contemplation and re-evaluation, taking in a beautiful evening in NYC, left me with "I am still ok with being with just me and being alone." Recently I have taken steps to allow someone to be part of my life, I am opening myself back up again - slowly very slowly.

But as I was contemplating all this I walked by Crate & Barrel and I thought about my good friend Carolyn and the Dining Room Table she just purchased from there (which trust me was a big huge decision she debated over for weeks - she wrote a whole blog about it). Her birthday being this past Saturday and her turning 27 - I thought about her life - married, a great husband, they have crazy fun and live life to the fullest, they have an amazing apartment in Brooklyn that they are making more adult - hence the new dining room table - "THE BIG GIRL TABLE."

And I am not saying I am looking for marriage because I am NOT but as I told Carolyn today I realized that I am not opposed to getting a "BIG GIRL TABLE" sometime soon.

Meaning - I am starting to be ready to let someone into my life - the guy i am with yesterday, today or tomorrow May not be the Guy I buy a Big Girl Table with - but I have to start letting guys back in.

I can't be a cold hard shell forever. Can I?
I had a taste of happiness with a man...it wasn't so bad...

Carolyn and I laughed today that if we can drink the BIG GIRL BEERS at Lederhosen (the liters) - then we should be ready for the BIG GIRL TABLES.

Sometimes life surprises you and scares you and you realize that you are growing up and that you are an ADULT.

I don't really know what all this means - my life isn't going to change tomorrow...not at all. I still don't want to get married, I just know that I have come to the point where I am Very Comfortable with being with Me and I like myself and its time to open that back up and come what may... come what may...

Jinxed

Jinxed - yep Jinxed.

Back about three weeks ago I met a guy - I wrote a blog about the nite I met him - BUT that is all I ever wrote about him because I didn't want to talk about it too much, I didn't want to JINX it. I liked him - and I liked him alot.

And for those of you that know and love me - know that this doesn't happen - I don't let guys get close enough to me for me to actually like them beyond a certain emotional level. Well this one did everything right - it was perfect - I will admit (which will shock the SHIT out of many of you) that I was actually picturing a future with him. Everytime we talked we had a million things to say - my heart fluttered in my chest, i was floating, smiling from ear to ear. A man has not done that too many in a REALLY long time. I was taking things slow, wanting this to be perfect (maybe i put too much pressure on it all). I gave him space, he gave me space. It was a perfect balance for me. We laughed about how I hadnt really experienced Puerto Rico until I had gone with him and how I needed to get a license to carry a gun "because he didn't want his girl traveling around the city unprotected." (admittedly freaked me out - but cute that he cared that much).

I let myself feel like I haven't felt in years, I let all my walls down and left myself wide open. I for the first time in a long time left myself completely bare, vulnerable, and willing to let a man into my life.

Well, I talked about him and us, but as a rule I tried not to talk about him too much and especially to my parents - because I just feel that once I talk to my mom and dad about a man and its too soon to brooch the topic - it is jinxed. JINXED.

Well, my parents saw my little cousin this past weekend and my little cousin and I had exchanged some silly comments back and forth on myspace about our men. And she mentioned this to them....that this one could maybe make me a one man woman and tame her wild cousin. My parents IMMEDIATELY called me and began to question me about him. And against my better judgment I shared stuff with my parents... I told them about him.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT??? I am dead serious about this...

BAM shit turned for the worse, no clue what happened...but I haven't heard from him in days. (when he usually calls at least twice a day and texts all day). I called him Sunday when I was supposed to and left a message and tried him again....but to no avail and no response from him.

Friends tell me not to worry yet, there has to be a logical explanation. and I say yeah there is - JINXED.

Fall? Fallin leaves??? huh?

Just an observation...September, where did it go?

I was staring out the bus window this morning and there were leaves all over the ground...yellow leaves all over the ground....

When DID FALL COME???

Where did summer go? Wasn't I just laying out on Jones Beach in the sweltering heat?

I love fall and everything about it - the clothes, the changing leaves, the brisk fresh air, the cider (hot or cold), pumpkins, apple picking, halloween...

I just can't believe its here already.

Weekend in Review (or maybe I should rewind..)

WOW - this weekend was Crazee...i feel like i was in a constant state of motion! And my body is literally still spinning from the absurdity of it all.

Friday nite, I left work at 5:30 - I KNOW EARLY for ME! But I had a Fashion Week Party to be attend at 7pm. When I left the office to meet Jen at her office 10 blocks away it was pouring down rain...by the time I met her I was drenched from head to toe - YES I had an umbrella (but where it ended up at the end of the nite I have no clue...Jen I told you that was going to happen!! - that damn umbrella is either at your apt, or J's apt, or a CAB somewhere in NYC! 2nd cute umbrella lost to the cab wasteland)

Anyhoo - Jen and i ate (at 6pm and just tacos - REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER), scrambled to get ready and met the Boys (Nick, Les, Jacob and Jared) to head to Pacha for the OUT Magazine Party. OUT is a Gay Men's Fashion Mag - and of course Jen and I were out with our Gay Men - AS ALWAYS! They're my boys!

Then we were off to Therapy - no silly people not therapy - but the Lounge Therapy - where we chilled for a few hours.

Jen and I decided that NO this would not be the end of the nite so we hopped in another cab zoomed across town and met Val and Becky at Metro 53, after a little bit of dancing and drinking there. We decided WHY NOT go for our FOURTH BAR of the evening and we headed up to Mo's Carribbean. At the door we stopped to flirt with the bouncers for a brief moment and I headed in the door, only to be stopped by someone grabbing my arm - it was one of the bouncers - He said to me I am not letting your friend in. I said HUH? He said I am not letting her in. We were floored - yes she was tipsy but not falling over and he had been flirting with her.....So Jen was furious and I called my friend that was waiting inside for us. We took furious Jen home and tucked her in and called it a nite....ummmm ok a nite...yeah lets say about 4am.....

Saturday, I found my way home at about 3pm. At this point, I decided I am staying in tonite, staying in my jammies, crawlin in bed and watchin a movie. So that's what I did - until about 9:30pm when Val called - she convinced me to shower and come out. So about midnite, I arrived at Mo's yet again and Val and Becky were already covered in men with the free drinks flowing...again I find myself out until after 4am and not home until 3pm.....(OH after Puking my guts out all morning - BECAUSE REMEMBER what i told you above about eating tacos friday nite - WELL THAT WAS ALL I ATE ALL WEEKEND).

I wish I could REWIND and eat something - then maybe the puking wouldnt have happened - NO EATING + MANY VODKA TONICS in KARIN = PUKING

After laying down for a bit on Sunday, I headed out to Queen's to Nick and Les' for dinner - sat down at the table and shoveled everything in sight into my body...mmmm good...love Les' cookin!

Anyways that was my weekend in review - trust me much more exciting and fun in person! (many details left out for the innocent and hearing impaired)

fantasy football update

MY TEAM WON THIS WEEK!! woo HOOO!!

thanx manny! and i am officially addicted...damn damn damn.

next thing you know i will be running around in a Tiki Barber Jersey..... only in pink with rhinestones though =o)

And Carolyn, the only other girl in our League WON ALSO!! GIRLS RULE!

WOKEN up BY AN ASS CHEEK...

This morning on my commute to work I was taking my usual nap on the Subway and I was RUDELY WOKEN UP (and somewhat startled) by SOME LADY'S RIGHT ASS CHEEK plopping down on MY LEFT THIGH.

I mean I am not a teeny tiny toothpick of a person but I am not wide either - there is space on both sides of my ass and thighs on the little seat marks on the subway - SO THERE IS NO REASON for HER ASS CHEEK to land on my THIGH. She didn't even say anything...she just squished her ass in the empty spot between me and the person on her other side and HEAVED a HEAVY SIGH. Like I was in her way.

I know subways can be crowded and tight quarters - this is not my complaint - everyone has to squish every once in awhile. BUT HONESTLY - when I go to sit down I look to see where I am sitting - I don't just PLOP myself on someones thigh - AND if I know I can't fit my ass in the open spot, I don't try - I STAND.

I then watched her gesturing to the man that was with her to take a seat between 2 men across from her - he must have seen what had just occurred with her ass cheek falling squarely on my thigh and my startled awakening because as he was backing up to sit down he kept on checking to make sure his ass was going squarely in the seat and NOT about to land on one of the thigh's of the neighboring men.

I just don't like rude people. You sit on my thigh - SAY YOU ARE F*&^ING SORRY!! Don't sigh and give ME nasty looks - There was plenty of room for her to sit her ass down without touching her ASS CHEEK to MY THIGH! (and I was there first BITCH!)

trepidation...

trepidation....

that is the word that came to my mind this morning when I was thinking about things. Defined as:

A state of anxious fear; apprehension.

I was facing it head on. I met a guy and I like him. He gave me his number and the ball was in my court to contact him.

I guess if you know me you know I don't contact guys, I don't approach guys...its just not me. My friends like to call it "my fetal position syndrome."

Especially guys that I actually like and I am interested in.

I could talk a guy's ear off if I have no real interest in them, flirt with them, dance with them, chill with them - NO BIGGIE.

But if I like someone - forget it, I am done (toast, steak, hamburger whatever it is DONE).

So the story goes - Friday nite I went to the Brewfest on the South Street Seaport with Michele, Jen and a few others. As soon as we hit the first beer tent - I saw this guy, I turned to Jen and said he is hot. We went on to the next tent and it seemed like everywhere I turned he was there - not following me, definitely not and i was not following him - it just kept happening that way. Which is odd because there were 100s of people there and I would assume it to be almost impossible to keep running into the same person over and over and over again. Anyways the nite progresses, I say to Jen "If I see that guy one more time, I am buzzed enough that I am going to go talk to him." Well not even 10-15 minutes later I see him and he is walking right towards me - he says to me "I have seen you everywhere tonite and I just had to come and say hello." I laughed and told him what I had just said to Jen. And then we talked the rest of the evening...

this is where I went wrong...He gave me his # when we parted ways and I didn't give mine. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I don't call guys - AND I liked him - which meant I DEFINITELY WAS NOT GOING TO CALL HIM!!

So Saturday passed, I did not call - too soon. Sunday passed - i thought about calling but i was definitely chicken and my cell battery died (thank GOD!) and i didn't get home until after 11. Yesterday passed and my excuse was its 9/11 and he is NYPD - I was thinking "I don't want to bother him"...so I didn't call. BUT on the way home last nite I texted him - a nice and sweet message - thinking about you - blah blah blah.

I couldn't believe I did it - I WAS SO DREADING what I had just done!!!! I just TOTALLY set myself up for REJECTION and FAILURE (oh yeah, I don't deal with those 2 things very well - must be my competitive nature). I had already told myself ok - he won't contact you back - its alright move on and deal with it. NO WORRIES.

See this is how I work - it wasn't even an hour after I had sent the message that I was telling myself this. Didn't even give the guy a chance. I had already packed up my emotions and thought well he was fun to talk to but OH WELL, NEXT! I tend to put on this "I am amazing and if you don't think so then you are not worth my time attitude"...it works for me - I guess - keeps me from getting hurt.

I tried to tell myself this morning that maybe, maybe I should call him - maybe he doesn't get text messages (because I didn't forever - my phone was screwed up). So on the train, I told myself call him tonite - hope he doesn't pick up (why i have no clue - because wouldn't it be better if he picked up and talked to me??) - leave a message and hope he calls back. NOT SURE if i REALLY would have DONE it!

and now i have no clue if i would have - because he texted back and he is going to call me later (well hopefully - see there it is jumps right back up - that fence, that shield, that wall). Let's just hope that I am not a punk ass when he calls and that I answer...

OKAY OKAY I KNOW - I HAVE ISSUES.....

but at least i can admit it and at least I took one step forward, right????

glued to Fantasy Football...

why is it that its only opening weekend and I am ALREADY GLUED TO THIS SHIT!!! Thurs nite, Sunday all day and now tonite - Manny and I have been texting each other like madd with the scores...I have my internet up to the fantasy football screen watching the live update scores... I even watched Football on Thurs nite at a BAR!!


WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????

oh yea AND I WATCHED SPORTS CENTER last nite to get Football updates -

WHO AM I and WHERE DID KARIN GO?????


or maybe..just like the title of my blog spot...


WHO AM I? AND HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE....

Ok, yes college basketball season I am glued to Illini Basketball...BUT NFL FOOTBALL or ANY kind of Football for that matter...no this is not me...

this fantasy football stuff has pushed me over the edge - i can't help it i am competitive!! I want to win - not only the $$$ but my weekly games. You should have heard me talking trash in the office today to the guy I am up against this week...

and I guess Manny texting me and asking me for the scores all the time doesnt help - it makes me check and get involved. DAMMIT! oh well..its fun, right?!?!

(lets just hope i dont lose to much otherwise i might get grouchy...)

Post-vacation Blues - I HEART MIAMI - Why do vacations have to End?

lets try this again...i started to write a blog about my miami trip at the end of last week and i went to save it and i lost it all... so I got angry and I couldn't write it again. So round two - hope it goes better. (warning it will be long because I am going to recap the whole miami trip in this one blog)

I also want to say that on this day, Sept 11th, everyone whose lives were lost, their family and friends are in my prayers. And I want my friends and family to know just how much I love them and how important they are to me.

All last week I had post-vacation blues...I wrote to a friend (being the dramatic person I tend to be) "Why do vacations have to end????? Good times... I am suffering from a severe case of 'Why did I go to law school again, instead of being a beach bum bartender'???"

Last week I was sooo bummed to be sitting back at my desk and not laying in the sun on the beach or by the pool - knowing that my nights would be full of adventures. But of course, as always, my vacation ended and I found myself tanned somewhat rested and slumped over my desk.

Anyways my vacation was outstanding and I will give you a quick recap of Karin's days in South Beach.

Thurs. Aug 31st, 2006:
Linda, Vicky and Maryann arrived at my house in the Bronx the nite before and we all tried to crash early as our flight from Laguardia was at 6am! However the excitement kept Linda and I up chatting until 1ish when we were getting up at 3:30. The flight to Miami was pretty mild (however I did get a hot latino man sitting right next to me! - i knew it was going to be a good vacay). We landed in Miami around 9:00, had an adventurous shuttle ride with the MORON of the century driving (we had to give HIM directions to our hotel), and once we arrived we were able to check in early (Freddie the front desk clerk was sooo kind). Linda and I posed for pics on our ocean front balcony and in a flurry of haste (mind you I already had my bikini on because when i got dressed at 3:30am i decided the bikini HAD TO BE WORN) we found our way down to the beach by 11:00am. The water was a perfect temp, the sun was blazing and we were officially on VACAY! After a few hours of frolicking in the ocean, we moved poolside and found ourselves hungry - out came the delivery menus and we had pizza and BEER delivered poolside! mmm... We stayed floating and lounging in the pool until 5:00 or so and then headed to our rooms to shower for dinner.

Dinner was to be at MANGOs on OCEAN DRIVE. I slid into my new gold silk dress and gold strappy stilettos - and as one of the guys that tried to pick me up that nite said "I LOOKED GOLDEN!" Golden in Miami baby! At Mangos, we got a table right be the dance floor and we watched the festivities - workers dancing on the bar - the men were HOTT! After several drinks, we got up and joined the dancing (NOT on the bar). Mangos is full of sexy latin dancing and it was a great nite! It was an early evening for us though and home in bed by 1am - because we had to be up the next morning at 4:30am to be picked up at 5:30am to go on a DAY CRUISE TO THE BAHAMAS!

Friday, Sept 1, 2006:
On a whim the day before we decided to book a day cruise to the Bahamas. The bus to the cruise ship picked us up at 5:30am and we were on the cruise ship at 7am - eating breakfast and DRINKING MIMOSAS (ok i was the only one drinking but hey i was on vacation). The cruise over to Grand Bahama was around 4 hours - I found the first lounge chair available on the very top deck and set myself up for hours of sunbathing (oh and grabbed a Bahama Mama - a nice frosty beverage - while I was at it). Linda, Vicky, and Maryann ventured off to check out the festivities - Vicky got suckered into playing games - I just laid out, read, napped and continued to drink...
We arrived in Freeport, Grand Bahama and took a cab to Port Lucaya - once we got to Port Lucaya we headed straight for the beach - where we vegged for a few hours. After our beach time, we went to the Casino for our complimentary drinks and then we headed to the little market place to do some shopping. I picked up a few cuban cigars and a Bahamas magnet. The market was interesting - all the Bahamian women were running their little shops, saying Ladies just come in and take a look around. The colors of the shops were vibrant and Caribbean. After spending sometime wandering around, and Linda falling flat on her face in a puddle - it was time to meet our cabbie back up and head back to the cruise ship.
Once aboard the ship, we found our way to lounge chairs right by the pool and I settled myself in with a nice beverage that was in a fun little pineapple. Vicky and I stayed there sunbathing, while Linda and Maryann hit the cruise ship casino.
After have a few beers, I noticed a dark skyline approaching and a huge thunderstorm hit that sent Vicky and I inside. We spent the rest of the cruise time dancing and singing karaoke. It was a FABULOUS TRIP and NOW I CAN SAY I HAVE BEEN TO THE BAHAMAS!
We didnt get back to the hotel until after 1 and we all just crashed....

Sat. Sept 2nd, 2006:
Saturday morning we woke up around 9am to make it down to our free breakfast...when we woke up that day I had bug bites all over my arms - looked like bed bug bites. As soon as we noticed we went to the front desk and talked to Tony, the desk manager, to make sure our sheets got changed and the room vaccuumed. We headed right out to the beach again after breakfast and we were sunbathing early and all of us fairly exhausted from early mornings and late nites. While we were laying on the beach we got a call from Tony that they had switched out rooms for us...Linda and I were worried that our ocean front balcony room was taken away...BUT it WAS NOT...We were upgraded to the BEST SUITE IN THE HOTEL!!!
The whole day Saturday was spent again relaxing on the beach and then the pool. Late afternoon it started to rain and we moved the festivities into our SUITE! Ordering a late lunch and drinking beers from the hotel bar! Our Balcony was right next to a concstruction site - so in the pouring down rain we had some fun yelling back and forth and teasing the workers stuck over there in the rain!
That nite we headed out to B.E.D. Miami (the club not bed) with VIP access through our wonderful concierge, Hugo. B.E.D. was sooo much fun - we danced and drank - I met Freddie (not the desk clerk - but my miami papichulo!!) We met a bunch of U of Miami basketball players, I even had one chase me down for my digits and we met Guillermo Diaz (new NBA LA Clipper)!!! We danced and danced until after 3am and then we headed back to the hotel for some late nite hot tubbin!!

Sunday Sept 3, 2006:
Sunday we were all up again early and we drifted down to the breakfast and the pool...we stayed poolside all day lounging, sleeping, sunbathing...just relaxing. For lunch we ventured down the boardwalk. Again afternoon showers rolled in, Linda and I just chilled in our room and the front lobby to do some people watching. Dinner was at Larios on Ocean Drive (Gloria Estafan's restaraunt) and then we headed off to the club Nikki Beach (again with VIP access). This club was cool - right on the beach with tons of outdoor seating and big bed type areas to lounge on. Only downfall - techno music, which we are all hip-hop girlzzz. We were out fairly late again, dancing and meeting men...and of course another late nite hot tub!

Monday Sept. 4th, 2006 (our last day)
Freddie the desk clerk, being the kick ass guy that he was, let us all check out late at 2:00pm. In the morning it was raining so we went and had lunch on Ocean Drive with some friend's of Linda and Vicky. Linda and I then walked around, took some pics, and did a little bit of shopping. Vicky and Maryann headed back to the hotel because the shuttle was picking them up at 2 (they had an earlier flight home than us). Linda and I packed up our bags and checked out at 2:00. OUR BILL was only $20 - NO RESORT FEES, NO BAR TAB!! NADA - the assistant manager hooked us up! The guys that worked at the Sovereign Hotel were amazing!! The Sovereign Hotel has been there for over 60 years and it is being torn down in January - the property was purchased by the Soho House for $25mill, they are building condos there...sadd....
Anyways we checked out and because the guys loved us they let us go spend the afternoon by the pool...our flight wasnt until 7:30 so we got a few more hours of sunning time - because by this time the rain was completely gone! I didnt want to leave - I enjoyed my relaxing vacation - I will definitely be back to South Beach sometime soon!!!!!

We had an amazing trip - MANY MANY MANY other details - either too much to write or just stuff that should be plain ole left out and kept between the 4 of us - you know the saying "what happens on vacation stays on vacation...." ;-)

Thanks girls for such a great trip!!!!!!!!!!