Who am I? and How the hell did I get here...

"She who dies with the MOST SHOES WINS"

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

NYC - "If you can only have one great love, then the city just may be mine. And I don't want nobody talkin' shit about my boyfriend."

"Miranda: Why do I think living in Manhattan is so fantastic?
Carrie: Because it is."

Well, today - today is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY in NYC! A year ago today I lugged two bags over my shoulder hopped on the Amtrak in Providence, RI and bid farewell to Massachusetts. I arrived at Penn Station confused, scared, excited, overwhelmed and jobless. My friend Jenn had extended her hospitality and invited me to crash in her small studio apartment in the Bronx with her. I did not have a clue what I was going to be doing except working part time at one of the Manhattan Home Depot stores. Hoping, hoping and hoping that I would find a legal job soon and that I wouldn't be back on that train to Massachusetts to return to live.

Well, within 2 weeks of living here I got my first legal job (the one I am currently still working at) but it did not start until the end of April and I was working part time at the 59th Street Home Depot store. And within a week of living here, Jenn and I had rented a 3 bedroom first floor of a house in the Bronx and by April 1st I had all of my items that had been in storage for over a year moved to NYC and I was standing on my own 2 feet again.

When I got on that train a year ago, I really wasn't sure I would even be here a month. But look I have been here a year, have a decent job, making good money, I don't work at Home Depot anymore, I moved into Manhattan in November into a great apartment on the UES with a great roommate, I have soooo many good friends here. I have a family here, this is my life, my world.

I have created a life here. A life that I love.

Yes, there have been ups and downs over the past year and maybe some of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
"Carrie: Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine."

But overall this year was great, the move was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself. I want to thank Jenn S., MY PARENTS especially, my brother and katie for helping my make it possible. Mom, Dad you are my rock and my world, I wouldn't be where I am today without you guys and your love and support.

There is no place in the world I would rather be right now. NYC is fabulous, I have a fabulous life, fabulous friends, and we are always doing fabulous things. I love it here, I love NYC, I am in love with NYC.

Today in NYC, is a gorgeous day!! Spring has arrived!

I am leaving work at 5:00 (unusually early for me!) to head to a rooftop bar with Carolyn, one of my coworkers and closest friends for a few happy drinks and then off to a Cuban restaurant to meet Michele, another good friend and former coworker, and my roommate Jen. Afterwards we will be kicking back on the UES somewhere with some more drinks and Carolyn's husband Andy and his soccer friends - to end the evening watching Elephants march down 7th Ave. (Literally) Tonite the elephants for the circus come to town, they walk thru the tunnel from Queens and down 7th Ave to Madison Square Garden. For some reason, I find this a very fitting way to end my day. The Elephants Coming to Town.

Happy Anniversary to me and to NYC (my boyfriend)!!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Empty Chairs

Its Monday. I have a case of the blues.

The guy (Brian) I have shared my desk space with for the past 9 months started another job in DC today. Friday was his last day. He never really had any personal affects on his desk, so not much looks different (even his Liverpool Game schedule and Jersey Transit schedule are still hanging on the wall) but he is not sitting there.

His chair is EMPTY.

I mean after 9 months of sitting next to the same person 5 maybe 6 or even 7 days a week for at least 50 hours a week - you can get attached to that person. Especially if they are your friend and one piece of your sanity at work. I am happy for him and I wish him all the luck in the world.

Its sad, quiet in here today, and even a bit lonely.

I am sure they will put someone else there soon. Will I get as lucky as last time? No, probably not. Brian turned out to be a really good friend. I will probably get one of the typical crazies. At least I made a good friend and had 9 months of fun at work with him. I will miss him more than I ever thought possible. Glad we could give him a good send off this weekend.

I even look behind me and the chair behind me is empty - another good guy and friend that left a week ago for a new job. And another friend left the week before that. If my work friends keep dropping like flies, I am going to go insane. There are not too many of them left.

Maybe it is really time for me to start looking for a new job instead of the idle chatter I always give about it....

Maybe my chair will be empty soon. (lets just hope its not from getting fired!)

Thursday, March 08, 2007

a joke, a complete utter joke.

Is what my daily life is....

I am an attorney right? Right? Everyone? Anyone? an attorney? It's what I went to school for 8 years for, right?

I have my BA in Finance, my JD and my LLM in Transnational Business.

I was not an art major right? I didn't go to school to make dioramas, right? Isn't that what mom's do for their kids - make them kick ass dioramas?

I didn't go to school to cut out pictures of people and make artwork for a fake television show in our office did I?

My "artwork" for this fake show is now up for auction within the office. The bidding is about to close in 15 minutes, thus far somewhere over $170 has been raised.

See here is the story.... we have some lulls in our office. And a long time ago this fake television show was created - Called The Cactus and Reed Show. Many changes have occurred over time and many new people have been drawn into this show. If you go back to my blog

I have reached the PINNACLE of MY LIFE - I am Michael Jordan...

You can read more about the show and how it started.

Anyways the key creator of the "show" quit our real job to move on to bigger and brighter things. So we (we being the rest of the show staff) decided it was time to end the show.

Well in ending the show, we will call them "the producers" of the show decided we should auction off all the guests ever to be on the show to raise money for drinks and a gift for Dan's departure. Mind you - these guests are basically creations made by me and 2 of my other co-workers. A lot of them are Karin originals.

The bidding for these items kicked off and let me tell you I was thinking that at most we would raise $30 or so... but in the end $256!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The highest item going for $37.50. It was insane. People were fighting over items.


Here is a spreadsheet of what was sold and for how much:
Celebrity Guest Current Bid
1 1985 Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears w/ Mike "The Finger" Ditka $0.50
2 3-D Doug Secular $8.00
3 Adam Rodriguez $2.50
4 Alicia Keys $4.00
5 . . . And at center, at 7 ft. from Georgetown, Patrick Ewing! $2.00
6 Banksy $0.50
7 Beep-beep, mm-beep-beep Yoko Ono $4.50
8 Bob Dylan $0.25
9 Borat $8.00
10 Boy George & His Paparazzi Horde $0.50
11 Brian's "Prince Charming" Fantasy $0.50
12 Brooklyn Cyclone Stadium $1.00
13 Butter Cow $2.50
14 Capt. Lisa Nowak, USN (Astronut) $6.75
15 Carlos Delgado $0.50
16 Departing BSF Roger $6.00
17 Detachable Kozlowskis $3.00
18 Donald Rumsfeld $1.50
19 Eve $0.50
20 Fidel Castro $37.50
21 Floyd Landis $0.25
22 Francis Albert Sinatra $4.00
23 Frank Gore $0.25
24 Freddy Krueger $2.00
25 Gumby Gumby $2.25
26 Halloween Costumes $0.25
27 Harry Connick, Jr. $0.25
28 Hicks & Gillett $0.25
29 Hiro $15.00
30 Hurricane Aaron Neville $0.25
31 J.K. Rowling $0.25
32 Jack Bauer $5.25
33 Jack Black $0.50
34 Jack Nicholson/The Joker $4.50
35 James Brown $1.00
36 Jeremy Piven $0.25
37 Kate Hudson $0.25
38 Keira Knightley $1.00
39 Keyshawn Johnson $1.00
40 Kirsten Dunst $0.50
41 Kobayashi, 6-Time Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest Champion $0.25
42 LaDainian Tomlinson $1.50
43 Lance Bass $0.50
44 Larry Hosmercules $2.50
45 Lee $10.00
46 Mario Andretti $1.25
47 Mel Gibson $0.25
48 Miss USA, Tara Connor $8.00
49 Mmmmonica Bellucci $5.00
50 Outline-Attorney-Headed Hydra w/ Pumphrey Troll Master $4.00
51 Padma Lakshmi $0.75
52 Paulie Walnuts' Hair $0.25
53 Pedro Martinez $0.50
54 Peter, Pieter, Pumpkin Eaters $1.00
55 Queen Latifah $1.25
56 Returning Tyco Roger $5.00
57 Reversible Johnny Depp $20.00
58 Richard Branson $2.00
59 Richard Simmons $4.00
60 Roberto Benigni $0.25
61 Roger Federer $0.50
62 Ronaldinho $2.00
63 Rosie & the Donald $0.25
64 Rosie Perez $5.00
65 Sean Penn, The Kingfish $0.25
66 Serena & Venus Williams $1.00
67 Shaggy $1.00
68 Sir Paul McCartney Marker $0.25
69 Steve Narow & His Big Cannoli $1.00
70 Suri Cruise $0.50
71 The Commish $0.25
72 The Corleone Family $10.00
73 The Dog Whisperer $10.25
74 The E Street Band (Performing) $1.00
75 The E Street Band (Triumphant) $0.25
76 The Greatest $0.50
77 The Head of the Goddamn Mayor $0.50
78 The Keymaker $3.75
79 The Keymaster $0.25
80 Tom & Jerry $5.25
81 Tom Petty $0.50
82 Willie Nelson $5.00
83 Wong Hoy $8.25
84 Yancy Butler $0.25
85 Young Isabella Rossellini $0.25
Grand Total Raised for the
Dan Drinks and Gift Fund:
$256.00


Iff you want to see any of this fabulous work you can visit the show's Blog page at http://www.thecactusandreedshow.blogspot.com/. (this link will take you to a blog about the show history - http://thecactusandreedshow.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_archive.html )

I never realized that my artwork was so appreciated. Brian and I decided we are in the wrong profession and we should be creating art and selling it. SHIT we made $256 today!!

So there you have it folks - most of my afternoons are spent at work making paper cutouts that people in my office just bid a lot of money on.

But the show is now over - today was the finale with a tribute to Dan - some of our finer work I must say so myself. (but watch out for a spin-off, the producers are talking spin-offs).

My life as an attorney.... who knew...who knew...

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I never loved nobody fully...

the opening lines to this song describes me soo well. "I never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground and by protecting my heart truly I got lost in the sounds, I hear in my mind..."

why am i so guarded? a cumulation of many things over the years i suppose... but for some reason i am worst than most girls.

my mom asked me a few weeks ago "karin what made you this way?" and then she said "it makes me sad, i am so sorry you ended up this way." Jaded - i guess is what i am - you could say. But i told her back, "mom its ok, it's made me who i am and i am very very ok with who i am and who i have become." she said "i know, i just want you to love."

i have loved, i have let myself love. and every time i do i get hurt and hurt bad. i wouldn't say my most recent heart break was love but i let him in and my heart is tender oh so tender from it, after hearing something recently - its more tender than what i thought it was. which means for anyone else out there trying to get in the wall is high and mighty...

i just said the other day i need to be more vulnerable to matters of the heart to move on...i am not so sure i can do that. it hurts to much. hurts way too much.



I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better

Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of hese voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart
it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart

Monday, March 05, 2007

Cabo make Me Lose my mind Up in Here, Up in Here

aight my long lost blog about cabo...its taken me weeks to get to this. maybe its got something to do with the fact that i have been sick ever since i got back, not sure or just a lot going on.

Tina and I decided it would be a brilliant idea to stay up all nite because the car was picking us up at 4am to get to the airport. So after I got to her place in Queens, we went to the bar below her apartment and drank up!! Then we headed off to the airport. We thought our morning was starting off right because they were able to get us on an earlier flight! (only bad thing was that both of us were overweight on our luggage - but us being smart girls we each had an extra bag and we threw some stuff in those and we were good to go!) We were actually the first people through security it wasn't even open yet when we got there. We boarded our plane and snoozed the whole way to Houston for our layover. We got on our plane in Houston to head to Cabo. Both of us passed out again only to wake up to announcement that we were still on the runway and had to go back to the gate because some guy on our plane got sick. We were like URGGHH just get us to Cabo. We ended up being almost 2 hours later from our original landing time.


We got in a shuttle with a bunch of people that were already drinking and they convinced the guy to stop and get them more beer for the ride to the hotels. Tina and I did not partake - why I don't know! maybe because we just wanted to get there. We got to our hotel finally -which ended up being super cute and nice and close to everything. We settled in and went out to get some dinner and drinks. The first nite we just spent walking the beach and exploring a little bit and we turned in early.


Now day 2 - totally DIFFERENT story - probably the craziest day of our trip. Lets just say that we decided to buy a time share for a condo in cabo that day (my dad kept telling me I needed to own some property for tax deductions - so I thought HEY why not!!), we started drinking at 8am and didnt stop until 4am. We both ended up passed out on the beach sometime in the afternoon, I was puking my guts out on the beach and then chilling in my bikini drunk off my ass with some random guys - one of them bought me a silver bracelet. haha. who knows. I found Tina passed out in a beach chair with her towel over her head. We then ended up taking this crazy ride out to some random beach and after some ridiculous things we got back to our hotel. But NO fear - even though the 2 of us were DDDDDDRUNK and crunked! We showered, got dressed and went out. We went to El Squid Roe and started dancing our asses off. Then Tina spotted some guy that she knew from back in NYC. So we ended up chillin and dancin on tables with them all nite long. That nite and day was ridiculous. We were retarded and we bought a condo.
View from our Condo for a day:


our condo for a day:


Dancin at El Squid Roe on tables:




Day 3 - we both woke up thinking uhhh we just bought a condo - need to cancel that ASAP. So we went down there and got that shit canceled and our money back (well we are still waiting on the money back but it should be coming like tomorrow). After we left Playa Grande where we owned a condo for a day. We took a water taxi out to see the Arch, which was awesome and then we went and laid out all afternoon at Lover's Beach. We then wandered our way back down the main beach, grabbed a bite to eat, watched some half naked guys dance on tables and then headed to the hotel for a nap. After a little nap, we headed to Cabo Wabo, a bar owned by Sammy Hagar, for some eats and to check out the place that EVERYONE talks about. We got in there and EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE in there were GEEZERS! So after a bit, we bounced and headed to another bar Zoo and danced and of course ended up at El Squid Roe for some end of the nite dancin. I guess that nite you could have called us the QUEEN BITCHES of CABO. Because we were not so nice to da men!
The arch:


Lovers beach:




Day 4 - we headed to the beach early in the morning with a cooler full of beer. after laying on the beach for a few hours, we went to Nikki Beach the club that has beds laying on the beach and we snagged a bed and laid out there all day long listening to music and just chillin with some mojitos. That nite we went to this kick ass out door restaurant La Golondrina. Tina had a fabulously huge seafood meal and I had some kick ass chicken. We were soooo stuffed, I mean soooo stuffed that we went back to our rooms popped out buttons on are jeans and passed out into a food comatose until like almost 1am. Then Tina woke me up KAR KAR KAR, lets go out. I was like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooo. so we went back to sleep.







Day 5 - we were up early and headed to the beach for breakfast. We sat at a table right on the sand close to the water, drinking 2 for one pina coladas at 9am. Then we headed down the beach to do something I never thought I would ever do. PARA-SAILING!!! I am so super scared of heights!! But we did it tandem and it was a little scary at first but it was so peaceful up there and you could see for miles and miles. It was so AWESOME!! So, glad you made me do it Tee!!! After our kick ass para-sailing, we went to a flea market to do some shopping and then we headed back to the hotel to lounge by the pool for the afternoon. That evening we headed back down to the Marina to board a ship for a sunset booze cruise! We get on the boat and there are like 2 other girls a bit younger than us, 2 older guys, and about 25 guys that are freshman in college. We were like OMG this is going to suck, so we just started kicking back the alcohol. The crew on the ship were awesome - they let the 2 of us drive the boat and we danced our asses off and drank sooooo much. After the booze cruise, we needed food so we headed to Margaritaville and chowed down and of course had margaritas and got serenaded by a mariachi band! After this we stumbled around town from bar to bar to bar, dancing in and out of the bars and we were just ridiculous. Tina almost even convinced herself to get a tattoo that nite and she almost had me convinced to get my 3rd one. Thank god we didn't!! Sometime during all this we found an internet cafe and checked our emails and myspace accounts for the first time since we got there but we were too drunk to even know what we read! Eventually we found our way home and crashed hard.






















Day 6 - I woke up with the worst sinus headache and cold EVER. At first I thought I was hung over, then I realized I was sick. Blowing my nose everywhere, sore throat, coughing, chest hurt soo bad - god it was horrible. So we spent all day laying by the pool and walked down the road to the Trailer Park Cafe for lunch. That nite after laying in the sun all day, we went and had dinner at Ole Ole on the marina and then headed to a latin club and Christina salsa-d her nite away while I sat there blowing my nose all nite!












Day 7 - we woke up walked down to the beach for some pics (and i felt like death warmed over) and then we stopped at Trailer Park again for breakfast. Then we laid by the pool all day until our cab came to wisk us off to the airport. It was sad to leave, I loved cabo - but all I could think about was my bed and how sick I was. YOU know Karin is sick when she is on vacation in a beautiful tropical place and all she can think about is her bed back in NYC in the cold cold cold. The flight home was miserable for me because I felt so bad and in Houston we had about a 45 minute layover, but we had to run through customs, get our luggage, check it back in, go back through security and run to our gate. We made it - but I was wheezing, coughing and thought i might die. (really i am not exaggerating that is how sick i was). I tried to sleep the whole way home so I didn't have to deal with the pain of being sick. When we got back to NYC, I had super shuttle reservations but they told me they wouldn't be there for 90 minutes. It was ONE AM. I was SICK as HELL. TIRED and ANGRY. They finally showed up and I slept the whole next day and was sick for the next two weeks.















Anyways - it took me forever to write this blog. but CABO was AWESOME. We had soooo much fun!! I am so glad Tina and I booked the trip!! We had guac at least 2 times a day - it was a staple in our Cabo diet!!! (we were guac and fockin' the whole time!!)

Sunday, March 04, 2007

The Older you get, the Harder it is...

you start dating someone and you like them, you really do. They are nice, intelligent, good looking, head on their shoulders, good job, they make you laugh and smile, you can talk for hours, and you are attracted to them. BUT...something seems off, something is not there - you want to be with this person and you want to like them but there is just something holding you back.

Maybe it is fear, fear of being hurt. Maybe it is just plain old they are not the one for you. I think that is hard to admit - here sits in front of you this amazing human being that you should want to be with that you want to make it work with but....something is lingering in the back of you head or your heart saying no.

Maybe its the fact you are not over your ex and can't stop comparing or again maybe they are just not the one for you. When do you know? How long should you drag it out for? 3, 4, 5, 6 dates...see if things change? Give them a shot? because I am getting old right? Pickings are slim out there...

I just know there was one person in my life that I knew no matter what circumstance I threw him in, no matter where it was or who it was with - he would swim and survive and be himself - he wouldn't sink, he would hold his own with my eclectic grouping of friends and family. I am finding that hard to find again. And I keep comparing everyone to him. I need to stop. Because by no means was he perfect or even Mr. Right - because if he was wouldn't we still be together?

Not that I am looking for someone, not that I am looking to get married - none of that - I just wanted to say that the older we get, the harder it is... It seems your list of things you want or don't want in a man grow with every day and every date. And at what point do we become too picky? At what point are we soooo picky that we just end up alone? A friend of mine was telling me that she will just look at a guy and be like hell no! and her friends were telling her that she needed to start being less picky and give guys a chance that her "list" was too demanding.

Should we ever have to start being less picky? I really don't think we should, I think we should hold true to those things that we know that we want and we don't want. And if I end up alone...so be it... At least I held true to me.

But back to that guy that seemingly has everything on your list that you want but something inside you is like "eh nah, no thanks." Why is that? What is that?

Is it that I am not ready? that he is not the one? that maybe he is a rebound? that maybe he is just Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right?

Many of my girlfriends are to the point where they are sick of the dating scene and they are trying match.com and eharmony.com or whatever. I have no issues with this - but for me personally it is not for me. I am a true true true believer in fate and true love. You know that serendipitous romantic old love story where fate brought you together to some certain time and place, crossing each others paths.... I am a romantic at heart. Ok maybe some could argue well fate brought me and him to match.com and that's how we met - true, an argument I could consider. But its not that old fashioned fate and bringing together like I believe in.

I am also a believer in you will know when a person is the "one." Like my parents, first time my dad laid eyes on my mom - he said who is that girl? I am going to marry her. I am not saying that instantaneous knowing has to happen for me, I am just saying I believe I will know in my heart when someone belongs there and when they don't.

I recently started dating someone and I am unsure about a lot of things, but I know one thing is true, my heart is not even open to letting someone in to try and belong there. I think I need to let the wall down a little bit because there are so many questions running through my head and maybe they are all legit or maybe it is just plain old fear and my good ole defense mechanism.

One guy - only one guy has truly gotten in my heart in the past few years. He saw me at my best and he saw me at my worst, we went to hell and back together and he will always be a part of me. Always be my friend.

For to me to move on and date, I need to work on letting myself be a bit vulnerable to matters of the heart.

the older you get, the harder it is...

Saturday, March 03, 2007

So I came back....

and if you can believe it I wanted to come back. Because ALL I wanted was my bed...our last day in Cabo I got sick as hell. I think I have bronchitis or pneumonia or something.

I just wanted to say I am back and sick. As soon as I am feeling better I will write ALL about our Cabo adventures. until then...cough, cough, cough, sniffle, sniffle...

well you get the picture.

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