trepidation...

trepidation....

that is the word that came to my mind this morning when I was thinking about things. Defined as:

A state of anxious fear; apprehension.

I was facing it head on. I met a guy and I like him. He gave me his number and the ball was in my court to contact him.

I guess if you know me you know I don't contact guys, I don't approach guys...its just not me. My friends like to call it "my fetal position syndrome."

Especially guys that I actually like and I am interested in.

I could talk a guy's ear off if I have no real interest in them, flirt with them, dance with them, chill with them - NO BIGGIE.

But if I like someone - forget it, I am done (toast, steak, hamburger whatever it is DONE).

So the story goes - Friday nite I went to the Brewfest on the South Street Seaport with Michele, Jen and a few others. As soon as we hit the first beer tent - I saw this guy, I turned to Jen and said he is hot. We went on to the next tent and it seemed like everywhere I turned he was there - not following me, definitely not and i was not following him - it just kept happening that way. Which is odd because there were 100s of people there and I would assume it to be almost impossible to keep running into the same person over and over and over again. Anyways the nite progresses, I say to Jen "If I see that guy one more time, I am buzzed enough that I am going to go talk to him." Well not even 10-15 minutes later I see him and he is walking right towards me - he says to me "I have seen you everywhere tonite and I just had to come and say hello." I laughed and told him what I had just said to Jen. And then we talked the rest of the evening...

this is where I went wrong...He gave me his # when we parted ways and I didn't give mine. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I don't call guys - AND I liked him - which meant I DEFINITELY WAS NOT GOING TO CALL HIM!!

So Saturday passed, I did not call - too soon. Sunday passed - i thought about calling but i was definitely chicken and my cell battery died (thank GOD!) and i didn't get home until after 11. Yesterday passed and my excuse was its 9/11 and he is NYPD - I was thinking "I don't want to bother him"...so I didn't call. BUT on the way home last nite I texted him - a nice and sweet message - thinking about you - blah blah blah.

I couldn't believe I did it - I WAS SO DREADING what I had just done!!!! I just TOTALLY set myself up for REJECTION and FAILURE (oh yeah, I don't deal with those 2 things very well - must be my competitive nature). I had already told myself ok - he won't contact you back - its alright move on and deal with it. NO WORRIES.

See this is how I work - it wasn't even an hour after I had sent the message that I was telling myself this. Didn't even give the guy a chance. I had already packed up my emotions and thought well he was fun to talk to but OH WELL, NEXT! I tend to put on this "I am amazing and if you don't think so then you are not worth my time attitude"...it works for me - I guess - keeps me from getting hurt.

I tried to tell myself this morning that maybe, maybe I should call him - maybe he doesn't get text messages (because I didn't forever - my phone was screwed up). So on the train, I told myself call him tonite - hope he doesn't pick up (why i have no clue - because wouldn't it be better if he picked up and talked to me??) - leave a message and hope he calls back. NOT SURE if i REALLY would have DONE it!

and now i have no clue if i would have - because he texted back and he is going to call me later (well hopefully - see there it is jumps right back up - that fence, that shield, that wall). Let's just hope that I am not a punk ass when he calls and that I answer...

OKAY OKAY I KNOW - I HAVE ISSUES.....

but at least i can admit it and at least I took one step forward, right????